apology

to mom – I acted like a jerk when I first moved back all those years ago. I also am absolutely done with the unpacking of childhood issues and would appreciate it if you don’t bring them up.
Jess – I am sorry that i have such a hard time letting you go again.
W – I’m sorry i didn’t trust you
She – I’m sorry i told your biggest secret to mom. I live in fear that she will tell you that she knows.

Thinking of You

Hey love,
Its A here. You’ve been on mind a lot lately. I wish I could talk to you and wonder if we’ll ever get the opportunity to. I’m sure we will but I’ll have to be ready.

I sometimes wonder what that conversation will look like? What would we be talk about? Would you be transparent about what has transpired in your life over the last 7 years?

I wonder how if we’ll end up together. I hope so. I pray that we’ll have a happy, prosperous, and long life together.

In the spirit of…

I used to go to the skating rinks all the time as a kid. Astro skate had this really dope outer space setup, and arcade cases lining the wall with Mortal Kombat and other influential titles.

I’d meet a bunch of kids at a white gazebo outside a diner in Safety Harbor for a community gathering periodically where we’d chow down on pizza and have a skate off in space that culminated in a dance party in the back room on the skateboard ramps. Tootsie Roll was one I remember being played often.

My ma got my kid a pair of skates this year for Christmas, so I took it upon myself to get a sparkly black pair of skates for myself. It’ll be fun to get reacquainted. Recently we ordered this parallel lift bar for exercise at home and I’m letting the kid get used to standing on the skates with that to get her prepped for the outdoors.

When you hate yourself you can’t love others

There’s a post I came across here that is sad because I loved someone like the person who wrote it. This was a person who could not love themselves. They were so focused on their own hunger for affirmation to fill that emptiness that they completely ignored everything I gave – which was so much – and for a time afterward, I ended up feeling like I wasn’t even human (that empty and depressed), where before meeting them, I felt pretty content and had healthy self-worth. It was like the life was sucked out of me.

It made no sense because I know they loved me (in their own limited way) but were just so absorbed in their need for affirmation from whoever or wherever that they crushed the very person who was already there giving it to them and trashed something they later regretted.

I learned from this, realized it was partly my fault for not having better boundaries, and did the work to heal from what happened. I also left them behind and miraculously, all the pain slowly dissipated the further I got from the last time we talked.

“It wouldn’t have mattered who” this person said in their post… that is the problem. It does matter who. People are unique and all valuable. And attention/compliments are shallow and fleeting markers of any person’s worth.

After all this I put zero value in compliments. I feel indifferent to them now, not because I don’t believe the compliments can be true about me or that I have low self-esteem, but because after going through what I did with this person I question everyone’s sincerity or reason for being nice or helpful to others, especially if there’s a flirtatious or “funny” vibe. I am kind and thank those who say nice things but don’t put much stock in the words.

This person I knew wanted to hear others say they were attractive, appreciated, etc. not just a normal amount but constantly. And this person only gave others compliments because they were fishing for them themselves. That became clear later on, after I’d already been subtly put down and dismissed enough times when I was trying to connect genuinely with them, then found out they were carrying on in attention-seeking ways with others while being selectively cold to me. It broke my heart. There are no words for what it felt like to be there for someone and to trust them, then to be slapped in the face like that when I least expected it.

They told me it was because they didn’t feel good enough. I never understood and probably never will – why would you want to make another person feel that way? One you “supposedly” love or care about? I guess people can really be that different in how they “love” or relate to others. It’s sad. But some people just aren’t good for you, and no amount of effort or love can change that.

We get it’s not about us when others do this kind of thing. It’s about their own issues. But it still can do damage to relationships and healthy people won’t put up with much of it. As I ultimately did not.

To the author of that post, if you read this… even if you’d had an abundance of those things back then, attention, compliments, etc, I am pretty sure it would not have opened your eyes – that person had it all from me and with every gesture I made, still acted like I was irrelevant until they knew they couldn’t have me, then… suddenly they had “screwed up their chance” and felt bad for themselves, while somehow skipping over showing any sort of compassion for what they had put me through. The irony, to me, is how straightforward it would have been to not screw up. It took an immense amount of energy to crush my heart like that because I’m a pretty resilient, loyal, and compassionate person.

I noticed in the post that the author did not express any sadness for what the other person they lost their chance with may have experienced. Only for themselves.

The person in my case didn’t seem to see me when I was there for them, and then after they destroyed everything good we had, they wallowed in self-pity. What they did not do was try to fix any of the damage or voluntarily apologize. That would have meant a lot but… it just didn’t happen. They didn’t even seem to see my pain in the end which was very difficult to experience.

Over time I gave many chances but after being hurt or confused beyond what I could handle, I reached a breaking, door slamming type of point. I had felt tons of compassion for them over time and forgave and tried again and again, but once they trampled me one too many times I stopped feeling bad for them and started seeing straight about how bad it was for me.

After too many unbelievable experiences I knew I just couldn’t ever go back. After enough time, I truly knew I didn’t deserve any of that. Nobody does. It can be worked through but only if the other person wakes up, repents, and truly changes… which there is about a .05% chance of happening. People changing, that is.

If you push someone away who loves you (or fail to “see” what is obviously there till too late) – that’s on you. Not them. They should not have to chase you down and fight you to get you to see reality. That’s not how healthy relationships work. That’s drama. The way you see yourself, your level of confidence, etc., no one else can fix those things. If you hate yourself, you need to do some deliberate, humble (as opposed to self-pitying) soul searching because until you learn to see outside your head and realize that a) you are loveable and unique and b) so is every other human (equally, objectively, though we are all hopelessly subjective about it) you will be incapable of loving others and even without meaning to, can really hurt them.

And sidenote, if you are addicted to hurting others to maintain or boost your own self-esteem or get something out of putting people down that’s twisted, and I hope you leave good people alone until you can get your act together.

Thinking you’re so different from others, that there’s something wrong with you – if that’s inside of you already everything you see will confirm it. And looking for external evidence to disprove the negative lies you believe about yourself is one of the most efficient ways to self-destruct. Believe me, I know.

I wish I had lots of love and affirmative words to say to people who have similar qualities to the one who hurt me or the author of that post, but I said them all before and learned the only thing that truly works with someone in that place is tough love and saying it how it is. Stop blaming what is outside of you for where you are, take responsibility for what is behind, and do better moving forward. There is a spiritual enemy out there and the root of all dysfunction = lies and fear as opposed to truth and love.

People are people. To be loved you must love others. No one is going to swoop in and rescue you from yourself. No human. Maybe a higher power, if you seek and have faith. But it’s time to wake up. Learn to truly see people as whole human beings in their own right, not attention, sex, or compliment machines there for your benefit, and have empathy for them the way you wish for it yourself (and probably already have had a normal amount you just didn’t see because you were looking for something else at the time).

This person probably has no clue how I felt for them. They may think they know. But they have no clue. They may have a sense they screwed up but… they will never know the full extent. I am pretty certain of that.

In the meantime, I have accepted I will never be the same… but I am doing well, and I will not make the same mistake again of letting myself be hurt in the name of love. What I thought was love must not have been, because love does not treat others the way I was treated, not on purpose, not accidentally, not ever.

Real love isn’t confusing and it doesn’t hurt. Lust, emotional unavailability, ego issues – those things are false substitutes/ obstacles to real love and destroy the hearts of good people.

Good luck to anyone this may be relevant to.

PS – I did not reply to or name the post I mentioned because this isn’t exactly a reply, just sparked by it, and I do not want the person who wrote the post to think I believe they’re exactly like the person in my situation because of course I don’t know them at all. I just noticed some similarities in some of their phrases and themes that arose with the person in my life.

I will do ANYTHING!

There’s some stuff that you and I will know but in the outer reaches of possibility that you ever come to a place like here, I want you to know, I just am too afraid to say it to your face and stumble over the words and look like an idiot.

So, you have a particular fantasy, you told me when we sat together in the office.
You like a particular brand of shoes.
And your reasons not to be with me, we have debated if they can be overcome or not.
Well the first thing that needs be said is, sure whatever happens, whether you read this or not, I will always try to be what you want, I will make occasional jokes but never once will I push you for more than we are, never ever will I expect it.
I asked you to tell me if things change, so I will hold out hope that it can happen.
All I intend to do to move toward that end is, give of myself to you.
Support you any way I can, show you that whatever you say or do, you can lean on me, I will never judge you, never not be there for you, never break your trust, will be everything I can.

I love you, ok scary whoa slow down man, of course you think that, and you probably would think that is some hell of a pressure even if we were right now free to be together. Well no.
But I would have to love you to have a future with you, I am just not the sort to get one thing and go. Which we have spoken of already.
I see what you said, and if they are all that you worry about, then consider those issue carefully, you know how much I respect you and everything you hold dear, so you know I would do everything to uphold those things, there are certainly two things beyond my ability to change but one of them is not a good reason to not be happy, and be honest unless you told anyone, who the hell would even know?
Another it would hardly impact you.
But any argument I make is irrelevant, what I would like is you to wipe all that aside and consider what could we be. As I said, I don’t want to leap into a physical, I’d love to take time to know you better, what is your favourite food, your perfect day, perfect date, ideal wedding-And not just location as you told me already.
Films you love, clothes, everything about you matters, there is nothing about you I would not want to know, but nothing that I would demand to either, literally I would be blessed to be told anything, but happy to take what you feel safe and comfortable sharing.
I respect your boundaries, we all have an inner me that hides something. I would tell you any part of my life though for with you I truly feel like you are a part of my soul, my being, that I never knew was missing until you made me see you complete me.

Is it too much to tell you, maybe,, but my heart bursts with happiness to be around you, to come home to you, that would be , I haven’t the words to describe it.

I told you I would do what you think I cannot, but I would, because how could I not, if you loved me, then all things are possible.
Okay I know my current situation, and as I said, it has to be resolved, neither quick or easy or painless. But after years knowing it just wasn’t right, the second I knew what I felt for you, I knew if there was a way, I did deserve to be happy
I could write so much but I think I must resign myself to this, I will take what I am given, but every minute of every day I shall try to be what you could love, I will go to my end trying to earn it, if I fail, I will have tried and for some while, have known you, and even if all we remain as is friends, I am already blessed.
I love you now, I will love you tomorrow, I will love you for all my tomorrows.
You are the sun that lights up my heart.
I will be there for you in whatever way I can, and pray to god that if he listens, if he will help, he will make me all that you want and need, so that one day I can be all that makes you feel this happy because you deserve to be loved like you are the most amazing woman ever, because, that is what you are.

No love for me……..Again!

Imagine, you find someone, you love them, they reject you, you spend five years with the pain, they occupy your thoughts every day.
Then one day you meet a woman, she is light in the darkest parts of your soul, to be near her is happiness itself. She is radiant with her beauty, she is enough, all that she is, is all that you could ever dream of.
That aching pit of hurt and despair is gone, and you realise that love hurts but it can heal.
Except ding ding round two…..
She does not love you either.
So now what, I can accept that this person at least I have a hope of remaining in her life, for a while, sporadically anyway.
I work with her, not regularly though, just here and there, and with the world as it is, I won’t be seeing her outside of work anyway, and even in normal times, probably not.
I feel like I want to roar like a dragon and burn the stars from the sky.
Why not allow me to be loved by someone I love for a change?
What evil have I committed so great I must suffer this way?
I do know the pain will pass if I never see her again, then in maybe 5 or maybe 10 years this time, but of course how long will I know her still, 1,2,10 years? And what sick joy to see her inevitably become happy with another.
Of course when you care for anyone, that they are happy is most important, so yes, I will be glad for her, but to feel like this again, and again have my heart torn in two.
I feel trapped, dull aching pain trapped in a cage where I can pound on the walls of my prison but there is no release. All I want is to be free of this, why love someone again when again it cannot, will not be.
And so much she has said that makes it harder still. I would do everything and anything, who has known love, requited and unrequited, knows this pain, this depth of emotion.
I write this because I cannot even tell her the way I feel, oh she knows I like her, she knows I would love to be with her, but she has no interest anyway so I surely cannot say “love” and if it didn’t make her run a thousand miles away, she would not suddenly love me.
Oh I am so weary of this life, no, I am not saying I feel like ending it, I never would do that, but I am so tired, tired of the raging fire of the emotion, and to want to quell that furnace, but instead I must burn in my own lake of fire, and just imagine, all that I would do, the sheer happiness every moment near her brings, laughter, sunshine, pure joy in every second, minute and hour. And for me, it is literally so near but so far, I could stand beside her and be as if I were the other side of the world for the chasm between my love and her own feelings is that vast.
Well here’s to 2021 and another who knows how long, suffering this awful feeling, dreaming, wishing, praying and knowing it will make not one difference.