Letters I'll Never Send

True love doesn’t need a safety net. If you feel afraid there is something wrong. I listened to my gut and it was right.

Dear A,
I know we were incompatible and we wouldn’t have had a future together. But I am grateful anyway for your being part of my life.
I hope all is well with you. Sometimes I wanna lie right next to you again and touch your hair, lean forward for a kiss, hug you from behind or be hugged by you.
I wish I could relive some of our moments together. I’ll forever cherish them.
There’s a place in my heart that belongs to you. Your in my blessings Big A.

Our breakup has been incredibly difficult for me. I realize now how much I took you for granted, and that, as much as I bluffed about it, I had never actually pictured a future that didn’t have you in it. It was a rude awakening.

June 4th would have been what I was calling “Renewal Day”. It was the anniversary of the last time you forgave me and took me back that sunny day on the sandy cliff. I envisioned Renewal Day to be a day of celebrating you and your willingness to not give up and try again, a reminder of the amazing gift your love is, an opportunity to express appreciation for having it still after all we have been through, and a reaffirment of my dedication to you. One of the many mistakes I made was only trying to remind myself of this once a year, and not every beautiful day I got to wake up next to you.

I have not been addressing my anxious attachment for so long, and I have been lashing out because of my inability to handle my fear of rejection and abandonment. I would blame, demand, criticize, get loud to try to be heard, focus only on the negative, and threaten to leave when that actually was the last thing I ever wanted. I cast doubt on you and our relationship many times as a forceful way to have you prove how much you loved me. I only wanted to feel heard, understood, and validated. I wasn’t doing anything to actually facilitate that though, and stopped myself from offering it to you out of a hurt ego and misplaced spite. I was wrong. I was so wrong every time I did it. I was still clinging to my survival stratagies for dear life. I was holding back, unwilling to let go and be vulnerable. I didn’t actually know what I truly wanted or needed, but you showed me with your love.

You made me feel so safe and secure, but I was still so scared since I’ve only known good things to end. I am working so hard every day on fixing myself and my issues so they don’t hurt me or anyone else again. I’m going to therapy again, I regularly attend al-anon meetings now, and am enrolled in breakthrough for men finally. You’ve been right for so long, I didn’t have enough support and am trying to build myself a network so I don’t rely on one person like I did with you. Just hearing people in my groups tell me they’re happy I’m there breaks me down to tears, which was the eye opening sign for me. I’ve had 29 years of tears stored up inside of me. It wasn’t fair or right to either of us when I stopped taking care of myself like that. I’m so tired of having life be constant combat and struggle. I just want to be soft, compassionate, and kind. I miss that feeling with you, I was so wrong to ever fight it. I needed to lose you to finally be woken up to the things I was willfully ignoring for so long. But now that I can finally see the areas I still need to heal more clearly, I want so badly to attempt some restitution and rebuild our trust that has been damaged and broken for too long, to put in the work to make it up to you. You mean so incredibly much to me.

I would understand any fear, apprehension, and anxiety you might have about me, and that you would need time away to breathe and let go of the pain and hurt you’ve felt in my presence. I feel I have crossed that boundary many times already due to my anxious energy, and just pushed you even farther away. I fully support you doing whatever you need to do to feel good again, and please never feel bad about taking care of yourself. You so freely gave me more than my fair share of tries I squandered without learning and growing from, I regret not properly taking advantage of the space you created for growth and intimacy while we were still together so I could have risen to the occasion of where I was needed. You were right for recognizing I didn’t and walking away after enough.

I don’t want to give up on you, and without a definitive “no” or “stop” from you, I won’t stop trying. As my favorite Azimov quote goes, “How ashamed I would be to let a day pass without making one more effort.” There is a fire inside me that will continue to burn and fuel me towards you. If you no longer want me to pursue you, you will need to tell me because I want to be close to you more than anything in the world. You’re the only person I want to be with, the most amazing and inspiring person I’ve ever met. You’re so kind, compassionate, soft, empathetic, forgiving, and loving. Someone who has had the world throw so much hurt and pain at them, and yet instead of becoming hard and cold, still chooses to be warm, kind, and soft. You feel so deeply for those around you and the depth of all your caring floors me. We both have baggage as anyone does, but I feel like I have finally found someone I want to unpack it all with, who I actually could unpack with, and who I want more than anything to support with my whole heart to feel comfortable enough to unpack theirs. I love you. I have never felt this way for someone before and it scared me so badly. But I’m not afraid of my feelings anymore. I’m not afraid, I know I can be there for you. I only have love for you. I never stopped loving you, not once. I tried very hard to make you think I did, but I never stopped loving you. I only stopped loving myself. You just loved me endlessly, it was incredibly transformative for me. I blamed you for our problems when it was our negative cycle of triggering each other that was the real issue. I’m sorry for my faults and for not putting in the effort when I had the opportunity to do so. I had stopped putting in the work on myself, on you, and on our relationship a long time ago. You were doing everything right. You were right for walking away every time since I never took the steps to improve myself.

As much doubt as I painfully tried to create about us, I believe there is a good reason we spent literally every night together starting from our very first date, night after night after night. I believe there’s a good reason your body felt so god damn right tucked in close against mine and fit like a puzzle piece that’s been missing for so long. I believe there’s a good reason that even though it was so painful at times, through the difficulties that could have knocked anyone else down for good, we kept coming back to each other and found love again. I’ve been so lost for so long, I just want to find my way back to you. Even though it’s been hard for me to listen to it, my heart knew you were the one straight from the get-go. It saw you and said, “Yup, that’s it. That’s who you’ve been searching for this whole time.”

I still remember those first few nights we spent together in the Greenfield house clear as day like no time has passed. Staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning just talking to each other and wanting the conversation to never end, wishing there wouldn’t be a need for sleep and the sun would never rise. I remember watching you roll a joint in the tree house in NZ together, thinking how lucky I was to have someone who was just so excited to share this quirky place together, afraid it wasn’t good enough for someone who was so special. Dancing the night away in the ruin bars of Budapest, skiing in Yosemite at Badger Pass, soaking in hot springs on the east side, having to drive across 2 states in the snow because the train couldn’t run, the way you’d tell me I was sexy for putting a joint out on the bottom of my boots, the Refuge and Teahouse relaxing, the simple dinners at home with you every night that was so packed with love. I know there were bad times, but I believe a lot of them were truly predicated purely off of my inability to love myself and as such extend compassion to you. Sure, we had differences, and while I wasn’t sure about what I wanted I acted like I did pushing a narrative that we were too different and incompatible to work. Now I believe that compatibility is an achievement of and through love, rather than a prerequisite for it. Compatiblity comes through work together, instead of working against each other like I did many times. There is too much evidence to the contrary for me to believe we couldn’t make this work together. If that is more work then you are willing to spend, thank you so much for all the work you did leading up to this.

I just remember so good, so much warmth, so much love and happiness. There was so much comfort, reassurance, companionship, childlike joy, laughter, fun, adventure, and love together. Everything was improved when you were by my side. My favorite part of any day was the first time I would see you after being apart. Whereat first sight, you would stop whatever you were doing, look me directly in the eyes, giving a little sigh and a smirk, and just say “hello” in your beautifully soft voice. My heart would literally stop to skip a beat every single time your eyes hit mine from the overwhelming sense of love you exuded in that tiny moment. You were able to knock me down with just a single word. It still is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced, and one of my most cherished memories. I even use memories of that as an “internal resource” for self-soothing from Breakthrough. You gave me that tool, thank you. Although I will eventually find peace and closure from us breaking up, I believe – and truly hope – this is not the end for us.

If the day comes where you can forgive me one last time, I promise it will be different. I cross my heart and hope to die that it is the last time I ever put you in a position of having to forgive and take me back. It will be better, because I would no longer make it one or two days a year where I try to appreciate you. It would be every single day. No more letting fear hold me back. I would be open and vulnerable for you. No longer loving from a place of insecurity, but a place of compassion, commitment, and healthy attachment. No more using you as an outlet for distrusting self-protection and judgment, just love and appreciation to help each other grow and be the best versions of ourselves. No more fear of space apart, or taking alone time as an affront to your love for me. Every day you wake up and choose me, I will in return choose you with every ounce of my soul. Even when it gets tough and I feel hurt, I vow to never push you away again, only pull you closer for compassion, understanding, and acceptance.

I will do whatever it takes to prove to you every day I am the kind, loving, and appreciative person you showed me how to be, someone I’ve known I could be. I will try my absolute damndest to stop this vicious negative cycle of co-triggering dead in its tracks, I’m not playing that game anymore. I’m already actively working to heal my wounds so I can be fully present in a relationship and not have my unhealed trauma spill out onto others. For you, I’m willing to shed all the barriers I’ve had up for years to be completely vulnerable with you, present you my aching heart laid bare for you to see it in its entirety – and indefatigably create a space where you can do the same if you wanted. I would be willing to go out to every single person in your life, one-on-one, to make my case to each of them to regain their trust and ask for their support, blessing, and help to keep me in line as we tried again. Whatever it would take, I’m willing to do it for you. I have a fear you are worth more than I am even capable of giving, but I am not going to let that stop me from giving every single thing I have to offer towards making a relationship with you work.

While I’ll be vigilant against slipping again and let my lack of self-care become a burden for you, I will focus my attention in the relationship to be a steady and dependable source of love and acceptance. I will stand up and be there for you when you need me. I will take a genuine interest in you and want to learn every inch of who you are. I will show you in my words and actions that you matter so damn much to me. I won’t take it for granted that you understand I care so deeply for you. I will always treat you with respect and as my equal, never again to dismiss and belittle. I will work everyday to make you feel desired, becuase you are the only one I want. I want you to feel seen, and I want to see all of you. I want you to feel heard, and I want to hear everything single thing you have to say to me. And with all of my heart, I want to ensure you always feel safe with me. The times you did tell me I made you feel safe were some of the most assured moments I felt in our relationship, I could of taken on the whole world single handed after hearing you say that to me.

It doesn’t matter how slow we have to take it to rebuild the trust that has been broken, I will move heaven on earth at a turtles  if it means I get to make steps back to you. Whatever pace it takes to rebuild that attachment safely. I pray I did not burn this bridge beyond repair. All I ask is that you are as resolute in your “no” for me and our relationship prospects as I am now in my unwavering love for you. Because when you want to give it the final shot to see if we are the answer, I’ll be here for you. Ready to offer and continuously put in the work to love you the way you deserve, the way I should have been loving you since the day I met you. Losing you is the biggest mistake of my life.

Thank you for giving me forgiveness, so many times, when I hurt you. Thank you for showing me softness, when I grew cold and hard. Thank you for continuously reaching out to me, especially when I withdrew. Thank you for being the one who cared enough to break through and show me the things I needed to heal. Thank you for showing me the person I want to become. Thank you for showing me through your perfect example how to actually love someone.

You are all I want. You are my priority. You are my person. You are the one I want to try and figure out this crazy life with hand in hand. You are the one I want to grow with, and the person I want to support as you grow yourself. You are worth any effort. You have been what I have always needed and so afraid to have.

I love you, with every possible facet, nook, and crany of my heart. I didn’t even know I could love like this before you. You are the one that I want. You are – and always have been – perfect, just the way you are. You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me.

I try to talk to you. I try to share my perspective.
If my telling you my perspective is “playing the victim”, then what does that tell you?
You are the villain in my story because the story is being told from my side of things.
Have you seen Maleficent?
Do you even understand how perspectives work? the dictionary definition?
In simplest terms it means: a point of view.

I have never claimed to be a good person, or even a good Buddhist.
I try to accept things that hurt my heart and cling to my buddhist belief that
We hurt because we want things to be different from the way they are.
In order to end the pain we must accept the truth of everyone’s nature, of the nature of things.
The story of the woman nursing a snake back to health only to be bitten by the poisonous thing, that is the perfect story to make the point.
As she lay dying from the poisonous bite, she asks the snake why..
“I found you dying on the road and warmed your cold body against mine to save your life. Why did you bit me knowing your bit is poison and I would die. Why?”
The snake replied, “You knew I was a snake

I know where apostrophes belong.

All the pain, all the uncertainty, all the insecurity that children of addicts feel…YOU ARE IMPRESSING ALL THAT ONTO YOUR KIDS.
Dont you want them to feel differently than you do? Dont they deserve better, as you did?
I cant imagine what you went through as a child. And why you choose to subject yourself to worse as an adult is beyond me.
No, its not. Pain. Anything to numb the pain. It all just crushes my soul. What amazing potential you have. Look at your mother today. Look at your future if you dont choose another path.
Look, I know youve been on this ride for a long time. Long before me, during me, and ever since.
But you have never met someone who loves you like I do and who believes in you like do. (Eventhough if I didnt show very well at times.)

You need to stop. Old addicts dont age well, if at all. Your pets deserve better. Your family deserves better. Your children definitely deserve better. And more importantly, you deserve to look into a mirror and see what I see. A strong beautiful woman. A proud survivor. A comeback queen. Its in you, baby.
I just keep on praying.

Do you ever take responsibility for your actions? Or just constantly blame others? Neglected clients that were the most unsympathetic, but it’s another matter that you did it to their families. They still had hope, bc you offered them hope and then you ignored them after families gathered their money to pay your retainer. I had no intention to discuss this here. But you know why it’s here, you brought us, for the most unconscionable of reasons. You constantly blame other people as having harmed you, for pointing to the public records that clearly state you are not in good standing. Clients that went on record after petitioning to have you disbarred, not because you didn’t win for them, bc you disappeared and did not work their vases, blowing off court dates, not filing petitions. You play social media games with other Attys, other researchers whose research you stole. You demonized them, claimed they stalked you. No one believes it, despite your telling anyone willing to listen. That wasn’t enough, so you decided to take matters in your own hands and engage in cyber harassment and cyber stalk other people. All to silence people that stood up to your harassment and your blame shifting lies to other people. You hang out with people that have a history of stalking to help your cause. No one penetrated your devices, hacked your phone, called your family. These are your lies…but you got someone to do this for you to people you want to intimidate and silence. Do you have a place that you use to process grief with an unknowing audience? I did..and bc of your destructive behavior, you thought it funny to hijack mine after hacking my device and browser history. Spoiled my one reprieve. You claim your critics are boundary-less. No they stuck to public forums and disputed your lies with public info. You are the one without boundaries. I hope they prosecute you and put you in jail this time.

I miss you so much sometimes. And that shit drives me insane. You didn’t choose me, so why should I give a fuck about you. The irony is I’m friends with her now. I wish I didn’t like her but I do. And the guilt I feel in her presence eats at me. Every time she talks about you I feel a pang in my chest. But I shouldn’t miss you at all. You hurt me more than you know and as much as I want to believe you’ll be there for me, I don’t. When everything happened, somehow I thought of you. On the worst day of my life, I thought of you, and how much I wished you were by my side. But you weren’t, and you never will be. I don’t think you even knew how much you meant to me, but it doesn’t matter now. I don’t even care to know if you ever felt the same. I just need to stop missing you.

I’ve been thinking about you lately. Its hard not to when I keep having these dreams. Last night we were both graduating at the same time, me from high school, you from junior college. You didn’t even go to juco as far as I know, so doubt it means anything. Except you’re still occupying part of my brain. But yeah, I was thinking about you. And trying to put myself in your shoes, to the extent I’m aware what your road has looked like. I don’t know much, but enough to know we’ve had very different lives. And that’s enough to know that a lot of my judgment has been unfair. How can I be upset at the things you say and do, if, at best, I can put together a feeble guess as to the ‘why’?

Now about me. With everything said before, I still do feel like some of my anger is justified. Its occurred to me the reason my romantic relationships have so rarely worked out is because I have always needed a friend more than a lover. Not just a friend, a best friend. Someone I can share everything with, bounce ideas off of, celebrate happy moments with, vent to when I’m frustrated, someone who has my back when I feel threatened, and that I can reciprocate for when they feel under siege. I’ve had lovers before, but I’ve never had that. Not even close. And so, I think the base root of a lot of my anger is that I don’t think you’ve ever understood that this is what I wanted from you more than anything, what I needed from you, and if you did understand I never felt like you tried to fill the part. That’s enough about me.

We had a connection once. I can’t ever forget, no matter how hard I try, the way you used to make me feel. Like wherever we were didn’t matter because we were the only two people in the room. Someone nearby would try to intrude on our bubble, say something probably stupid, and you’d flash a little smile out the corner of your mouth that only I could see, and so, that moment was ours and no one elses. So often, nothing even needed to be said, I would just look at you in your eyes, and know that we were on the same page, and know that you knew that too. I felt so special being in your presence, just talking to you. We hugged a few times, and those hugs were the best hugs I’ve ever had that didn’t come from a baby (sorry, but babies give the best hugs!). Its no exaggeration to say that, for better or worse, very few people have made as much of an impact on my life as you, A.

There’s so much negativity in my life, and I’m stuggling to cope, but I don’t want you to be a part of that. I’d rather think about you through the prism of our happy times, and the way I used to feel so important to you. Because you were, and are, important to me too. You don’t want to be with me, you don’t even want to be friends, it hurts, but its ok. Maybe I’ll make peace with that fully someday, but even if I don’t, that’s not your fault or problem. What I want to leave you with is that I am here for you, however you need me, always available for a chat if you’re sad or angry or happy or anything in between. I would never betray your trust. You deserve to be happy.

Me