Same Old

Do you ever listen to yourself? This is what I hear. “Nope, not my fault, that’s the way the universe wants it.” “Nope, none of my concern, you brought it upon yourself.” “Nope, I’ve never affected or influenced your life in any way, that just a product of your sick mind.” Basically, deflect all blame, accept no responsibility, and merrily carry on just like the president would.

You know what would help me? Hearing you say “Sorry”. Once. 8 years not once have you ever expressed contrition or remorse for anything. Not your vindictive punishments when you don’t get your way. Not for all the times I’ve been cursed out by you and your family. Not for never ever doing anything to support me. Me, crying at my graduation because you didn’t come, but went to another one instead. Me, crying at my mother’s bedside because you wouldn’t talk to me. You, calling me weak minded and refusing to be a part of any solution that doesn’t require me doing all of the work and shouldering all of the responsibility. I don’t have any problem accepting 50% of the blame for the things that have happened and will happen, if you can even accept 1%.

I’m sick of it. Your sanctimoniousness. Your condescension. We may be very different people, raised differently, whole different experiences and situations and people we encountered throughout our lives, little epiphanies and bits of wisdom we picked up along the way. But I’ve always valued that about you and seen how it could complement me with you as my partner. You don’t recognize any of my value. Its painfully obvious the way you absorb absolutely nothing at all that I say and turn around and criticize pretty much everything about me and expect me to change. And its literally been that way since day one. You don’t see me as anywhere close to an equal, and that really hurts me a lot. You don’t get to tell me otherwise. I am not going to ignore the negativity you’ve injected into my life because its easier for you to only focus on the good.

That’s it, rants over. You can go back to pretending that I don’t exist.


I miss you. I miss having someone to talk to, even if only one night a week. I miss looking forward to that night throughout the week. I miss the way I felt when I was with you. Being with you made me feel special, but not like in a ‘hey everybody, look at me’ kind of way. More like an everybody fades away and its only us kind of way. Those brief moments felt timeless to me.

But that was a long time ago. You don’t make me feel special anymore. You make me feel like a loser. You’re unavailable emotionally. I feel entirely unheard anytime I try to say anything to you at all. There’s never a time, a good time or a bad time, when I feel like I can go to you. I don’t think you even like me anymore, you don’t ever act like you do.

I don’t see any kind of clear path forward for us. All this time I’ve tried to become more mature, more patient, more understanding, less angry. I thought maybe I could reach some enlightened level of growing up where you would finally respect and value me. But things are more or less the same. And Im getting tired of expending time and energy on this when you could change everything by pushing a few buttons. Of everyone who orbits around your life, I think you actually treat me the very worst, with the most disrespect, or maybe even contempt. Whatever, I’m more used to being alone at this point, I don’t really need you to exist, and you clearly don’t need me to live your best life.

Things I couldn’t tell you

Dear K,
I don’t know where to begin. You were a stain on the fabric or society. You were an avid, proud drug addict (only using pity when you could use it to manipulate others), you were a piece of shit mother to your multiple kids…none of which you had custody of. You were surrounded by amazing people bending over backwards to make concessions for you…but you blamed them for every 8 ball up your nose, syringe in your vein, or pull down the hatch.

What happened to you, you completely deserved. You were never going to be a good human being. You were always going to be a manipulative junkie crashing on people’s couch. You had a fiance. He was wealthy and older, and you manipulated him with his heart and he took you in and tried to help you.

But you didnt want help
You wanted an sugar daddy.

You were in your early 30s when you had a heart valve transplant. Something you didnt need if you had chose to live your life right and not become the party girl you tried to maintain much long after everyone else and after your body gave up.

You were in medical rehab with a pic line bc you couldn’t stop doing drugs. Even when your choices to not heal from your surgery landed you…so young….in a nursing home so they could monitor you and make sure you were trying to get better from your complications from surgery, you sat your skanky ass on any man that could sneak drugs into you. You overdosed while in the nursing home numerous times. You tried to seduce my husband and then had the nerve to tell me, a mom to young children that I raised myself, a mom who chose not to be a junkie …a mom who knows she wouldn’t end up on the wrong side of a consensual 3 way with drug dealers for your drug of choice…and then getting beat almost to death by the drug dealers bc you were trash to them.

You had 2 chances to start over and straighten yourself out. When they found you barely breathing and unconscious behind a dumpster, and when your jobless, junkie ass had to have a heart valve transplant. So many better people with meaningful lives to live deserved those chances more than you, and you just threw them away bc all you wanted was to get high again and not care who you fucked over to get it. You didnt care about anyone in your life…they were all means to get drugs or money for drugs. You stole children’s network donations, a young woman credit card, and countless other thefts. But you still wanted to come at people like you were special and above them.

The day you died, I never felt like anyone else deserved more to leave this earth and finally let their family and children to not have your bullshit hang around your neck. Its heartbreaking that you call yourself a mom, yet wouldn’t lift a finger to get better to finally be a mom to your kids. But I’m sure that’s someone else’s fault too.
Deep down, at night before your family falls asleep, they probably thank god that he took you, bc that was the only way your family could have peace.

You did everyone a favor by leaving this earth.


Hello Again…

Hello again…

Hi TJ,
It has been a long time since I wrote about you on this site. However, you will never know that I write about you on this site.

Today things were different because I thought of you. I know you currently are in your situation and I shouldn’t be thinking of you nor have these feelings I have for you. However, today things were different because I was thinking of you. I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, but that’s how I feel.

I miss you so much. You have no idea. I wish I could pick up the phone and either call or text you. I wish we could email each other and have deep and interesting conversations like we use to. Maybe yet, I wish you would reach out to me and make successful contact. I miss you so much.

I know I am wrong for feeling this way given your current circumstance, but I can’t help it and I hope you are well. I hope your family is well also.

Sometimes, I wonder if you think of me? Do you?

I wish I could talk to you and hear your voice. However, I am not ready yet. I am not myself and I am not all the way together. I guess I have to listen to that familiar voice that told me that I am not ready yet.


Hey. I know this email is very unexpected. I mean, we haven’t talked since drill comp and even that was a very brief conversation. To be honest, I really don’t know why I’m even writing you this email. I wasn’t really planning on reaching out to you for a long while if ever, but here I am. I’m going to be honest, I miss you. I miss you a whole lot. I miss our stupid conversations, I miss knowing you were there for me, and I miss us. But I also know that I could never actually deal with having any sort of relationship with you, at least not right now. Because quite honestly, and I don’t mean this personally, our relationship was bad. And it’s not your fault. I don’t blame any of it on you. But I should’ve realized that you needed more time. I mean, you were fresh out of a pretty long term relationship and I knew that so I also should’ve known that you needed time more than you needed another relationship. And I know that you say I wasn’t but if you take a step back and look at it, I really was a rebound. Again, not your fault, I should’ve seen it a lot earlier than I did. I unfollowed you on everything today. Not because of you, but because of me. I need to heal. I need to stop obsessing over your location on snap maps or your story updates and the only way to do that is to unfollow you. I’m sorry. Maybe one day we can be friends again.

whats inside

dear dad,
As im sitting here writing this, im listening to the song Drowning by Chris Young. You have no idea the pain im feeling through my chest. How bad my chest feels like it cant keep air, how foggy and tear filled my eyes are, how I feel so sad. Saturday will be two years since you died. I cant help having flashbacks of that day. All the little details I shouldnt have to remember. Things a daughter should never have to go through. Youll never understand how hard it was, I knew everything to tell the operator, I knew it all. Why did they take so long? Why couldnt they help you? Im so sorry i let you down. I never knew i would be waking up to you being gone. How could I sleep through that? Why didnt I hug you a little tighter? Did I even say I love you back? I felt so hopeless. I couldnt save you, I couldnt do anything. I think that was the day my heart truly broke. I was so afraid of showing you I cared about you that I made us both miss out on so much. I had points where I wished mom would have gave up on yalls relationship because it would have been easier that way. I didnt know how much I was missing out on. I miss you, I miss the endless nights of just eating sandwiches and chips because it was easier than cooking. or the days of you getting fed up with me sleeping on the couch, even though it was because I didnt want to admit my room scared me. Why did I fight you just hours before? Why was I so difficult? Why did I not know I was about to lose you? what is wrong with me. How could I of been so dumb. crying at the hospital I didnt want to leave you, id of rather had someone drag me out of their than me having to choose to leave you, even though it wasnt you at all.