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The Witches of Eastwood

Ok…I’m sure they’re not witches…but it went along with my play on words. If we were talking about the Real Housewives I would have said, “The Bitches of Eastwood”. However we are talking about Clint Eastwood’s wife and children making a reality show.

The E! Network is launching the first of 10 episodes on May 20th and we’ll get to follow Dina Eastwood and the clan and watch their lifestyle.

It seems from Joan Rivers to Kendra Wilkinson every A, C, D, D, E…to Z list actor would like a piece of the reality pie. They are fascinating simply because they are celebrities but isn’t the formula getting a tad bit, dare I say it, tired?

Personally, if there is a celebrity involved in a reality TV show, I would prefer the network pick a consummate professional so that I may watch them work.

Bring on Louis C.K. and let us peak in on how he develops his routine. How does he find a joke? Does it just come to him or does he have a team of pros working by his side? Let us see him decide what works and what fails and why and how he either drops the material or refines it to make it palatable.

How about Bernadette Peters? The Broadway Legend could allow a few cameras to shadow her while she goes from rehearsal to performance and all the business and charity nuance in between.

Find a successful choreographer and let us delve into their creative process from beginning to end as they choreograph something spectacular. Maybe we could learn the dance along the way.

That is what I’m looking for, Hollywood. I don’t need to see the celebrities x-rays their asses or bicker with spouses. I want to see their talent. I want to see how they work and think and perform under pressure.

Or is that too PBS for y’all?

How about you, audience? Who would give you a thrill to “fly on the wall”?

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Bette Midler’s Sophie Tucker Joke – A Classic

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No, seriously…don’t.

In Memoriam of my momentously shitty week I’ve created this animated gif. Feel free to send it to your annoying co-workers, disagreeing family members, or to simply bring a smile to a gay man’s face. R.I.P. Joan Crawford! You were one hell of a bitch! And Faye Dunaway…the same goes for you! (Uh..except for the R.I.P. part)…

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A few cool and interesting celebrity quotes.

John Waters makes reading S-E-X-Y!

George Carlin puts things into the ultimate perspective.

Louis CK is a man after my own heart.

I love calling cats assholes…I think we should be non-specist, too.

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Falling in love with a man in the picture box.

It was late one night…maybe 2 or 3 in the morning and I was flipping channels on the TV. Normally I wouldn’t stop for a black and white movie unless it was Hitchcock or even better, Sunset Boulevard…however this film caught my eye so I stuck around a while to see what it was about.


The film was “Baby Doll” and it was set in Tiger Tail, Mississippi in 1956. The film revolves around the title character, “Baby Doll”, played by Carroll Baker, a 19-year old married virgin who has just 3 days left before her 20th birthday; the date she must finally consummate her marriage to her husband, played by Karl Malden. Enter the dark, swarthy Sicilian, Silva Vacarro, intent on destroying the husband’s business and getting revenge after the husband burned Vacarro’s gin house to the ground. As part of his plan, Vacarro begins a slow seduction of the naive and sexually repressed Baby Doll.

OK, a few necessary facts. The entire movie is a hot mess. Baby Doll sleeps in a crib because all of the other furniture has been repossessed. There is a syndicate in control of all the gin mills. Like…a MOB syndicate…in Mississippi. That poor Karl Malden has been living with his wife for 2 years without any female companionship so he is wound tight as a drum. Time Magazine called this movie the dirtiest American-made motion picture that had ever been legally exhibited. Now why I feel the need to mention all of these things is beyond me other than to give you a picture of what a nasty-black-and-white-what-were-they-thinking train-wreck I was watching.

However, that swarthy Sicilian. That morally challenged, not-so-law-abiding seducing Sicilian. Man, he literally stopped me in my tracks. He hypnotized me on the screen. For the first time and only time in my existence I literally fell in love/lust with a fictional character.

What was it about this man who had taken my heart? His eyes drew me in and his voice was captivating. I wanted him to look at ME like that. I wanted him to seduce me. As I was sitting there in the dark I actually got sad. I felt like we were mistakenly born decades apart. I felt like he was the love of my life. It was literally one of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had.

Here’s the funny part. The sexy Italian was played by none other than Eli Wallach. You know Eli Wallach. In “The Good, the bad and the ugly” he played “the ugly”. The man has been working as a method actor steadily since 1945. He’s STILL working at the age of 96!

“Baby Doll” was Wallach’s his first feature film. He was a Jewish boy from New York who ended up being more famous for playing a Mexican but for me he will always be that swarthy Sicilian.

Have YOU ever experienced that “lost love” feeling with a compete stranger? Have you ever felt destined to be with a celebrity or public figure? Or am I just some strange “Somewhere In Time” stalker?

This is for you, Eli Wallach! You will forever be considered my celebrity husband.

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CSI: North Pole

This is a special gift from us…to you!
It took a solid 3 weeks of blood, sweat and tears…but it was worth it!
Happy Holidays!!!

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R.I.P. Bil Keane

Bil Keane passed away recently and right when I heard the news my mind flashed to Sunday morning cartoons and The Family Circus. I remember following the dashed lines on Billy’s adventures and it made me think of what Mr. Keane’s final cartoon would have looked like. This is how I imagine it:

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Faith Hill and Photoshop Fail

Sorry about the title but I adore alliteration.

Somebody posted this image of Faith Hill on Redbook Magazine. It’s been sitting in a window on my computer for 2 days, waiting for me. You see, in good conscience I can’t “x” out of the window, not without posting about it first.

So take a look…you’ll see the photoshop and non-photoshop images…

Ok, now let me continue.

WHAT.
THE.
HELL.

I will admit that I would NOT have known the difference had it not been pointed out to me. I would have stood in the supermarket lane, purveyed the tabloids to see who was having sex with whom, which aged celebrity was on his/her last breath, which starlet’s baby was wearing Prada, and cast barely a glance at the Redbook Cover (does anybody even read Redbook)? However, the light has already been cast on the dirty skeezy magazine industry so now I am forced to comment.

I like the ORIGINAL photo better.

She looks human. She looks healthy. She looks happy. (Damn that alliteration again!). Truly though, it is a great photo. She looks genuine, approachable, beautiful.

I would love to start a revolution encouraging magazines to publish photos with minimal Photoshop. What’s your opinion on the subject?

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Orson Welles – Bless his soul.

This is one of our oldest impressions in our family. Watching Orson Welles hammered, shilling wine, while surrounded by all of that fabulous ’70′s chic just fills my heart with joy. Vocally I think it ranks up there with the Best Man Cry. Please watch it. Enjoy it. And then duplicate his commercial at your own family gatherings. It’s tons of fun…!

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I’ll give YOU the finger…and the other finger…and this finger…

Adorable and simple little finger drawings. Someone has collected the 10 cutest finger drawings RIGHT HERE.

It was MY dream (and my good friend Terry’s) to produce and star in “Toe Theatre” – an entire musical production made up completely of our toes. We had portions of West Side Story down perfectly “Toe-Night, Toe-Night…” but alas the dream has not come to fruition.

Maybe we should add some toe drawings to the list in honor of that dream. I always feel like the 3rd and 4th toes are somewhat ignored.

Aside from these photos, drawing on your hands brings to mind Senior Wences. Now HE was a ventriloquist’s ventriloquist. “S’all right?”, “S’all right!”

Enjoy a little of the Wences Magic.

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